#So I’m gonna be depressed again and feeling bad
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Being the way I am, I ignore the shit I haven’t processed, but now I’m crying because I don’t want to go to camp
#Last year I was alone#Like earlier I mentioned that I was so upset with being alone that I cried almost every time I wasn’t with someone#Bc it was the first year without my best friend going#Then my next closest friend came to camp late bc she was on a cruise#And she said she felt bad bc she didn’t know I was lonely#And even tho she and the crush are both gonna be there this year#I’m gonna feel so fucking alone bc the bad memories always creep in and I don’t want them to hear that.#I don’t want to go#last year sucked#And it was at the height of my middle of the summer depressive episode#which is coming back#So I’m gonna be depressed again and feeling bad#And I keep remembering my grandpa#Gods I miss him#I keep thinking that he’s still here but it’s been four fucking years#And I had an anxiety attack this morning because I saw someone who looked like my ex best friend#So I’m not doing okay#And I’m alone at home crying#After nearly two weeks of always having a friend right next to me#I want to stop existing
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“Look for the strengths in yourself” this. “Your trauma doesn’t define you or make you inherently wrong” that. Do it out of spite. Value yourself out of spite.
What? Those douchebags told you that you weren’t worth anything? Fuck them! Treat yourself like you’re worth something! Get back at those fuckers!
Those assholes conditioned you into thinking you were terrible by treating you like shit? Condition yourself back! Keep valuing yourself and doing self care over and over until you drown them out. Until they’re as stupid and small in your brain as they are in real life.
Fucking win the emotional manipulation game! Win it! Draw something shit because it makes you feel happy! What, you can’t say no to people because you’re not worth as much as them? Fuck that! Say no all the time! Treat yourself like the most important person in the universe because they would hate it!
#so had a epiphany with a client the other day#essentially this#spite is the best way to do anything#and yes I’m in the mental health field#which would shock the tumblr bot who saw my blog and tried to send me to a therapy blog#which was adorable but jesus#and shocking to people who’ve commented saying I’m way to cynical about mental health and asking if I’m okay#I’m so unbelievably stable I help other people get stable lmao#it’s just sometimes the sunshine and rainbows approach works for people#and sometimes it doesn’t#and I’m just incredible super blunt about how I feel and experience things#which is sometimes yucky when it’s mental health or cptsd or my experience being neurodivergent in this society#you have points when your brain isn’t gonna believe that you’re good#that things can get better#rationally you will but emotionally your brain has conditioned itself out of hope and self regard#so sometimes you gotta motivate yourself with anger and spite#those assholes don’t deserve your life#and then you’ll get to the actual hope and happy feelings point#and then you’ll drop again#because this is how it works#and yucky emotions are not always bad or shameful#sometimes spite and anger is justified and can motivate you to change#sometime stress helps you survive#sometimes sadness helps you stop and realise somethings wrong#fuck depression though that one is just bad#(I’m kidding lmao)#seriously for me who gets depressive spirals often#and likely will for my entire life#depression feelings tells me I haven’t been making time for myself#and I’m overwhelmed
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oh, random thursday in october, i wish you’d go fuck yourself <3
#anyways i’m depressed today#and i’m not gonna jump ahead and be all ‘i’m in a depressive episode’#bc the jury’s still out on that one#but it’s not often that i a have a random day of depression that isn’t followed by a full episode#which is great!#granted i could also be coming on my period#bc i do feel bloated and also just all round gross#but also could maybe be both#that happens at times#my period doesn’t discriminate against my depressive episodes#when she comes she comes she doesn’t care#i also don’t know if it’s gonna be a full manic episode again#or like as bad as it was back in june#bc i was really bad in june#like at least the mania back in february gave me a break#june was just none stop horrors™️#why has this year been the longest year of my fuckin life#and that literally includes the years i was going through severe medical trauma#i’m really really lonely also#but i feel like i’m bothering everyone#what fuckin else is new?#sorry to everyone i say i’ll be there for and then i’m never there ✌🏻🤪✌🏻#i’m not exactly the safe place i wish i could be#i’m not even a safe place for MYSELF#so you’re probably better off#i don’t know if i deserve to ask ppl to talk to me when i won’t do the same thing x#okay but the thing is i know i can get through this bc i always do#i just wish i didn’t have to#bc shit’s fucking exhausting to constantly go through every few months#like we get it i have a depressive disorder 😒
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I’m 23 and I still feel stuck. younger than young. older than old. most importantly, I feel stuck
#bwaugh#I think it’s cause Covid struck at the end of my teen years and then nothing was the same#I’m. sick#and I’m tired and I’m happily in love and I’m terribly lonely at the same time#I’m trapped in my safe space but it doesn’t feel like prison because I’m here on my own accord#mostly#I want to live but I also don’t want to live enough if that makes sense#I’m so angry at life that I’m numb for the most part#and I feel like I’m being punished for being depressed#I think. this is just internalized ableism and I’m mourning a life that k was never gonna have#and now I’m like. going thru the stages of grief and varying intervals#I’m very self aware I just wished it helped more#I’m getting so good at understanding my feelings ^_^ so that’s progress#but yeah. I wanna live so bad I wanna die. so I can live again
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I’m suppose to paint but my moral is so low right now…
#i Need to do it today cause I forced my dad to go buy the thing so I could do it yesterday (but I slept 5h I was afraid of making mistake)#but I didn’t so I need to do it today cause it will take more than a day and I seriously need to find a job#my health is on line two now I need to go for my eyes and that cost money money that I don’t have at all#i feel like my body is dropping me like how can it be possible to have so many problems at the same time ?????#like they are all pretty minor I’m not gonna d*e but it still really annoying especially when you wanna live your life#but you don’t have force to do it#Sowon also needs food again and I’m not sure if my parents can help me again… I’m loosing my mind#also my brother feeling depress and I feel like my dad cares so much about it more than mine ????#maybe he dosen’t realise it or maybe I don’t show it as much so that would be on me#but without having end up in the hospital I feel like I’m at pretty much the same level as him 😐#except that I force myself to enjoy what I love so I don’t end up worst than I am which he stopped doing#there’s already a gigantic favouritism on my dad side with my brother so maybe I’m just crazy and scared my dad end up feeling the same way#maybe it’s just being scared of it and not the reality idk but it’s messing with my brain so bad I’m tired#but also I can’t even tell my dad one of the biggest reason I got depressed in the first place but at this point he would tell me to get#over it I’m pretty sure 🙄#anyway I’m gonna go paint I guess#wish me luck for everything it seriously need to stop 😭#alex.txt#tw negative#tw negativity
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#sorry y’all I’ve honestly been super depressed#bad time to be an environmental science/climate educator#and a parent of young children#we’re not gonna act in time#we’ve known what to do for decades and it’s just becoming so apparent that we’re just not gonna do it#because profits or whatever#and I’m just so tired of fighting it#and thinking it’s gonna change#and while realistically I know it’s not completely hopeless (yet)#it really feels that way some times#anyway#that’s where I’m at these days#hopefully it wont take me too long to get my mental health right again#honestly I’m starting to hate summer because this happens almost every year now#tag rant#delete later
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I am so high I love you dabs I love you big bong rips I love you huge heavy bong I love you only having 20 dollars to my name and no plans but getting high and ignoring it I love you oh no I’m thinking about it
#I want to take an ice cold shower and scream and smoke a whole pack of cigarettes and lock myself in a closet for 72 hours in the dark with#no distractions to figure out what I actually want to do with the rest of my life and to face every bad thought I have and struggle to#ignore even years later like ugh I just need to be at the bottom of the ocean floating sinking alive dead in between for like a month and#then pull me back up and either I’ll be normal or I’ll be so fucked up they just put me back in there#like either way I am vibing at the bottom of the ocean (I have been desperately imaging a sensory deprivation tank all day)#(put me in a fucking sensory deprivation tank until something in my fucking brain rewires and I get worse or better than I am now this#inbetween stage is fucking killing me like what do you mean I’m not a horrible person but also what do you mean I struggle every day but I’m#normal but I have things about me other people don’t and alienate me to the point of near total isolation but also this is just how humans#are and I need to take meds and actively struggle to fit into a perfect little box of what a person should be like god damn I am so tired of#getting better and worse and better and worse and better and worse and better and worse and I’m miserable and I’m happy and I’m sobbing and#I know a month from now I’ll be depressed again or I’ll be the best I’ve ever been and it’s so fucking horrible to be in the middle stage#where I actually have to step up and admit shit is wrong and face it like why can’t I just lay in bed forever until I become the bed and not#like get a job and have a future. ugh. depression is so fucked esp bc most things in my life are normal I guess or like easier than my#friends like we all have seperate challenges but I’m the only one still living off their parents (ha. parent. forgot for a second.) and the#only thing wrong with my life is the mental health issues but I won’t step up and deal with it bc I feel like I’ve been depressed for so#long I like fucked up the foundational shit and like I know it’s fine but also I feel so behind and I feel like I’ll be behind and unhappy#forever even when im happy I know the next depressive episode is right around the corner and I give up again. ugh. I hate knowing that’s#what’s wrong with me but still not having the energy to step up and fix it. im so pathetic I want to cry. my brain is me but my brain is#destroying my life. anyways. im high and now im sad and have dry mouth. I think im gonna drink ice water and change into shorts+lay in bed)
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i’m coping so well i’m doing so well at keeping my mental health symptoms in check
#abc shut it#i wanna lash out abt stuff so bad but i’m not bc what good is that gonna do me#but god my raw reaction when i’m feeling crippling depressed over things is to just get aggressive#(haven’t been doing a perfect job but i think i’m doing better)#but again i wanna lash out but i refuse to let that happen gamers we are COPING
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if we are not established friends - and i mean we talk often or at length with clear enthusiasm from both sides. both of which had a normal relationship development rate YOU CANNOT SPAM MESSAGE ME OR VENT UR SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!
#personal#i’m gonna sound very mean i’m gonna very mean#before that first. 💯% my own fault!#okay not 100 but mostly#like do i start these convos or look for these connections. NO! but they come to me and i don’t shut them down#which makes me feel awful bc imagine trying to establish a friendship with someone and thinking okay we’re talking more this is going good#but from their side they are genuinely getting frustrated and annoyed at the frequency and just message itself and frankly you#the morally correct thing would be being the bigger person and saying no i’m sorry im not feeling this. but also that’s so much.#and i’d feel so bad when obviously this makes the other party feel like shit#but onto mean meaner than that whole bit i am straight stating to hate this girl im talking to#it feels like she doesn’t have a life outside of me sometimes!!!!!!!#like she sends an iphone game i respond within whatever length of time and regardless if it’s a minute or 3 hours she responds within the#same MINUTE. EVERYTIME#she’s asking about random people i kinda know she’s asking if i know anyone who needs a roommate or a laptop or a place she can stay#i’m not an asshole i was like okay are you okay and safe and she was but also just not ideal circumstances#she’s messaging me about instagram posts i like she’s asking questions about isreal and i wish i was joking#but at her grown ass adult age she’s referring to russia isreal etc as a bag of poops#this is bc i posted about the new cap movie and to not support it and also disney being evil blah blah#but she’s asking questions about israel and disney and. i have to answer bc it’s great for people to ask questions especially about this#but lord all mighty above it hurt. and she’s doing that thing of explaining that she did something but DOES support the movement but still#did a thing and is looking for validation which. is never fun.#like you don’t have to tell me that you have a disney plus account but you feel bad you know?#and she just messaged me about some dude ignoring her i think the ex that cheated idk#also the dude who asked for ten bucks he asked to talk twice this week and i was like no. bc i didn’t want to#once i figure out that i can block people purely for annoying me it’s over#it doesn’t matter if they haven’t done anything objectively wrong i’m allowed to say no more#straight up i’m just gonna start ignoring messaging from people i don’t fuck with#like second i dont have people im like okay i feel too bad to not respond to im never doing this shit again.#like nothing worse than working a 12 hour than getting a message from someone who’s humor and texting style you can’t stand asking to talk#i think partially i’m depressed but i am sick of talking to people bc THEY like me duh im easy to like i don’t like you back bc ur not
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I! Fucking! Hate! Uni!
#we’re a week in and I’m already done. I’m so tired#thank god I’m taking next semester off. Work sucks too but at least it doesn’t have homework#I really gotta look into getting a therapist again. maybe to work on getting whatever the fucking is going on with me diagnosed#but also just so I can at least try to work on the sort of. all consuming hopelessness that comes with being a college student#it just sucks. Like I didn’t feel great during the summer either but at least I had my best friend and the sun and some free time#now it’s. fuck all. all day every day is school#my room is a mess. I don’t have the time or energy to clean it#im lonely bc im always lonely#legit the only thing getting me through rn is my gf hyperfixation and that’s not gonna last forever#thinking about ford 24/7 can only be effective for so long before the bad thoughts start creeping back in#it just sucks. I hate being depressed. I hate that I can’t tell if it’s all school’s fault either. Am I just gonna be like this forever?#fuck this stupid baka life or whatever
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#every time I call someone my best friend they turn into a fucking problem that just hurts me and makes me sick#is it me? am I doing something wrong? am I not supposed to have close friends?#or am I just such a fuckup that by being myself it’s inevitable that I’ll ruin my friendships?#kissed my bro on the cheek last week when he wasn’t doing too great and in my mind I was doing it just as an extra way to be encouraging#and show my support and that I’m here for him cause tbh I’ve done that with plenty of other friends and it ain’t no thing#but after a week of wondering why he’s been distant and not wanting to be around me when I’m saying I just need some time with a friend he#finally admits that he thought that was weird and out of line. so I gotta backtrack and try to explain myself but now all the stupid little#pieces be fitting and I realize that he’s probably been misconstruing me wanting time with him as thinking I’m gonna try to flirt with him#or something else fucking dumb like that. despite the fact that that has never been the case and he knows me fundamentally as a person and#should know I wouldn’t ever do anything that could make either of us cheaters even incidentally. plus he’s basically like a brother to me#and I have an AFAB partner so it’s not like I’m trolling for cock anyway and he knows that too. but now I gotta go back through every#interaction we’ve had since that happened and analyze whether or not I was weird or awkward or inappropriate in some way that he could be#upset about at all. and also act like everything is fine and keep it pushing like normal and police every future action to be safe too#because of course he can’t just be straight up about anything or tell me if something bothered him no I gotta play a whole ass fucking#guessing game. and now I also can’t trust that my best friend who is supposed to know me so well won’t take things I say/do the wrong way.#can’t trust that my best friend won’t see me in a poor light now because it’s clearly been affecting the friendship#and like totally that’s my bad I overstepped a boundary I didn’t realize was there but you should have just fucking told me at the time#instead of pulling this shit and giving me anxiety and blowing me off and making me feel like shit#can’t rely on him or trust him or anything and what’s the fucking point of even having a best friend if this is what happens? I’m at the end#of my fucking rope right now so stressed and anxious and no matter how much I try to talk to him or anything he just brushes me off and#won’t let me explain or get my feelings out or anything else. but hey at least I was around for him the other day when he needed somebody#good thing I was there to keep him from going back to drinking or something else stupid and could help him out. cause that’s what really#matters right just being able to help somebody else when they need it even if they don’t reciprocate and are actively hurting me instead of#just being there for me as a friend. guess we try again tomorrow huh? what else can be done I suppose. just get to suffer and be riddled#with anxiety and stress and depression eating away at me and ruining my fucking life. can’t even enjoy the Olympics or anything else because#I’m stuck overthinking this dumb shit. just want this to be over and things to be back to normal. wanna stop being upset about this shit and#be able to let it go but I don’t fucking know how and I can’t keep losing friends because it’s killing me#personal
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me… sad boy
#I was going to whine a lot but why lot word when few word do trick?#I have been… soooooo anxious and depressed and I feel like I’m going to die soon & the world is ending the world is empty & I’m alone in it#I feel so sick#I need to get out and do something. I always need to get out and I never do and I’m dumb#so maybe I’ll just get messed up and stay in my room#I can’t sleep. I wake up tired and hurting. I can’t do anything.#woe is fucking me amirite?#also I just finished Black Sails and I cried a lot. why did I think getting emotionally attached to a show and finishing it was smart?#that’s not important. I mean it is but not really. what’s important is I constantly feel like the end is always looming over me#I miss my therapist but I’m scared to ever see him again.#same reason I’m scared to be around anyone outside of my immediate family: I’m a failure & I can’t bear to see that reflected in their eyes#so he joins a long list of people I can’t talk to anyone along with my dad and countless old friends#hey wait why did I segue to this?#boo hoo#analytically. logically. I can look past this and see how irrational these thoughts are#but goddamn if there’s not something chemical that just makes me feel sick and scared and I’m having a doozy of a time living with it#because Ian you need to work on long term goals. not just quick fixes like I dunno fucking eating pizza or playing video games#sorry. just wanted to vent. it’s been building up in me for days and I needed a quick whine#I shaved. I’m gonna get a haircut maybe tomorrow. if only to stave off my unhealthy feelings of ‘just shave your head at 3am’#my mom is finally reaching the point where she doesn’t need me to chauffeur her around all the time#and my brothers are finishing their semesters at school and also both have licenses now#so I think I can stop using those as excuses and try to… I dunno. live for myself now. that sounds cheesy.#gonna go get a low paying job doing something mindless so I can have extra cash for being alive#god I need a hug so bad#that’s not even… like… not even a lighthearted joke. I think if someone sincerely held me for a few minutes it would fix me. a little bit.#this is too much information#sorry I love you goodbye forever#but hey… really… I love ya… I mean maybe. not really. kind of. I appreciate ya and I’m here for ya… in spirit. like a ghost. a cool ghost.#you can ignore this#text
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I don’t think my remake fatigue is only pointed at REvil honestly. it’s like everything is a remake or a reboot or whateva
#like I really really loved the remakes we have#3 was the weakest link but it was rlly fun#we haven’t finished 4 yet but I know it’s gonna be one of my fav games ever#but#idk it seems like everything has to be a remake or a reboot or a reimagining#there’s always adaptions and stuff and those r cool#this is also my fault for not branching out ironically enough#idk I think a lot of media banks on nostalgia not that it’s a bad thing#but like do sumn new#it’s like how I’m not burnt out in superheroes I love superheroes#I’m burnt out on big budget mcu films#I loveeed the Batman and it rlly felt the most accurate on screen batman ever so it’s clearly not just about originality#idk#I want to consume less media but as an artist I need to#witch hat atelier felt like. idk it made me feel like a kid again#it’s weird I can watch shows over and over again. but I think I’m growing out of that now#maybe it’s just a byproduct of getting older#or maybe it’s just my depression#yknow that guy was right. I do talk more clearer in my tags#I spose that’s something I oughta work on
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i have GOT to stop cursing myself for my mental health not being good, or for having literal human emotions, (as if i didn’t suffer a manic episode literally two months ago and i’m still recovering and healing from it)
#okay but literally why was february the longest month of my life and march was five seconds long?#and now april is going fast too#my dad has being going on about our holiday for like months and now it’s less than two weeks away#i’m anxious about it tbh#it’s my first big trip in like almost five years#and like i wanna go i wanna live my life#bc i know if i stay home i’ll regret it#but every time i think about going i feel a little nervous#for reasons that i don’t even really know#residual manic depression feels and the internalised ableism that *reallly* got bad during said episode is making me feel sick with nerves#a lot lately and i don’t know i want freedom and independence and a life and i’m trying so hard and ehhhhh#idk i repeat the same shit a lot but it’s a big problem but it’s not something i can change but that doesn’t mean i just stop feeling bad#about it#‘healing isn’t linear’ yeah fuckin tell me about it#idk if i dip in and out that’s why#not that most people would really notice or care#but if you’re interested yeah wow gwen’s off on a weird one again! big surprise!#i take the piss to cope but anywaysssss#just feel like a clown lately like ‘honk honk’ that’s me#said i wasn’t gonna curse myself for feeling bad then immediately did#i’m trying to unlearn that amongst many other things sighsssssssssss#anyways whatever
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insane that i’m the biggest disappointment of a child for smoking weed but the child that’s emotionally abusive is fine
#i??? do not understand my parents#like ok yes it is bad that my room smells of weed and is messy#but!#feels real fucking weird that my mum gets more upset with me about that than my sister being the literal devil incarnate#and not in a fun way#like dinner last night i literally did not say a single word bc me. just speaking. apparently triggers izzy and i think i literally just#acknowledged a joke being made and she started her whole. you need to leave. get out. you’re the problem. everyone hates you. shtick#and my mums response is can you just be nice to each other#???????????#GIRL I DIDNT DO A FUCKING THING#I KNOW YOU DONT LIKE CONFLICT AND THE CONFLICT APpArENtLy ONLY OCCURS WHEN IM PRESENT#(it doesn’t. she’s even worse to my mum but mum never. fucking does anything about it#which yeah i do get bc defending urself or literally just saying or reacting in anyway than what The Devil wants you to ends up a mess)#but maybe use two fucking braincells and realise i’m not the worst one here??#i’m actually gonna go insane#also it’s like. lowkey so funny that mums disappointed bc she thinks i haven’t been smoking for months#which i have!! u just haven’t fuckin realised it bestie!! so maybe the reason i am being depressed and useless rn is related to uhh the#fucking demon that’s living in the house again???#not because weed is so evil and brain rotting??#also like i do completely get how silly of me it is to blame everything on my sister when i am aware that my mum hates me smoking weed and#i shouldn’t get a free pass just because my sister is worse than me#but also.#i would like a free pass:(#basically! i should move out lol#but unfortuately i have spent all of my savings#can’t wait to spend 12 hours in the car with all of them tomorrow!!#ah you know when u look back at the times you were gonna kill urself and wish you just fucking did#vent post
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#rant incoming#ngl i haven’t been feeling the best re: mental health these last three days#depression has suddenly gotten bad#and it’s taking a toll on my love and enjoyment of louis and harry#and it scares me because they’ve been safety for me#but to look at pictures and listen to music and feel nothing is wrong and weird#and it’s slipping into other things too like i’m scared of going numb#i hate the anon i got about louis being racist and harry being a terrible selfish person who only cares about money and stunting#like these aren’t true but my stupid brain keeps replaying it over and over again#on top of that fucking intrusive thoughts coming full force like just gifs me a fucking break i am begging at this point#i just hate it so much#all i want to do is sleep#goodnight#gonna turn everything off but dw i’ll be okay i have to be i believe i will be. just like i got out of it before i’ll do it again#jackie.txt
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